unrepentant

if there were any bit of remorse…

you wouldn’t be talking like this…

you wouldn’t be  thinking like this…

you wouldn’t be behaving like this…

you wouldn’t have that tone… that glare.. that frown.. that stand..

you wouldn’t come back, rewinding history again and again…

you wouldn’t spin words.. building up walls… defending..

you wouldn’t look back, hunting for loopholes… to use against us…

you think you have no wrong…

you think the world owes you…

you think you had it hard…

lest you knew…

as time passes…

history shall repeat itself…

and would your walls of defend shall crumble down upon you…

striking you harder than ever….

…..

nevermind…

God knows what will it come to in the future…..

let’s wait and see…..

†˙å˜˚ ¥ø¨ ¬ø®∂

i sit here…

contemplating if i should write out my emotions…

and that first typing is always the most difficult..

and then suddenly, everything just flows…. shaped into words…

tonight…

i type to unleash my thankfulness to God..

He is indeed real…

so.. i suppose…

whatever that is going to take place….

whatever that can no longer be hidden and suppressed…

 

He will be there to grant us wisdom…

 

i leave this into Your Hands……..

i feel more heavy as the days goes…

opressed by my emotions…

maybe i am adding my own burdens…

maybe by my ego that is pulling back the devil of displeasure…

my abhorrence of people parasiting on me…

sucking slowly.. savouring the satisfaction of  acquired ”knowledge”.. ”wisdom”.. ”creativity”…

as you feed on…

you shall find yourself becoming too full…

and heavy….

and you shall fall off my back….

and descend to the abyss…

screaming…

how unfair it is…

when we know that this is forged by one’s greed…

and eventually…

descend to your death…

may you…

rest in peace….

somehow i did not expect things to turn out this way.

somehow there is this nudgey feeling.

is it an emotion of fear? uneasiness?

as i ponder….

there is always a reason why Lord God permits life unfolds this way…

i hold onto His Hand, grasp harder, wipe away my tears, and continue walking along with Him through this rocky path….

i was..

i was furious.

i was upset.

i was this close to smash the screen.

i was this close to wrap my fingers around your neck and choke the air.

i was this close to scream my dry lungs. to bleed till it overwhelm the rage.

i was disappointed.

i was about to cry.

i was.

i was…

but no… i am not… i will not…

i was holding on to that last bit of what holds onto it…

but you let it go…

now…

i see you falling…

falling into what is finally consuming you..

what is the devil you forged yourself…

i was trying to believe it wouldnt…

but… i WAS.. it WAS…

i was disappointed…

however..

everything was just the past….

and now…

i AM standing here…

seeing you fall into what you WERE forging…

into what you didnt expect to be consumed by….

you were warned…

妈的。。。

好烦。。。

这个世界偏偏就是会有这样的事情发生。。。

sometimes i wonder.. sitting in front of this blog, wondering if anybody reads it..

then its good to know nobody reads it.. because i like some privacy as well…

its 1yr + anniversary since this ‘homework’ blog closes down…

no longer a stress to blog….

and when its so comfortable to blog again…

it strikes me to know that..

i blog because im sad……….

¬å¥´®ß øƒ ߆¨ƒƒ…

its very fun to listen t music like tat.

to be able t find out the truth behind these nicely ‘packaged’ version of the final version.

how it actually sound. how the layers of effects, vocals, instruments are actually like in its ‘distinct’  manner

actually music… its really all bunch of layers and then cleverly slapped together.

you want to hear it the way like i do? go figure out yourself. its surprising and interesting.

hmmm

* thanked me.. i didnt expect it. i’ve nvr been able to help some one before.. so.. im really delighted. yeh..
but somehow when i feel happy, im strucked by the back of my head in remembrance of my own problem…
one which i havent settled…
how come i could help others when i cant even help myself…